Writing

Today, I got told that I haven't written anything for ages.
Well yeah, I guess that's true. But to be honest, I feel silly writing about nothing. Nothing has happened since the show, except that I've gotten more pregnant.

I have been writing furiously on my pregnancy blog though, so feel free to check that out if you feel so inclined. But that's not the point of this blog. I started this one as an outlet for myself to connect with others and to help people understand a little more about anxiety, depression and mental health from an 'insiders' perspective.

I feel that I've had nothing happen to write about, and so I haven't written.

But I guess I'd be lying.

Soon after the show ended, I got very anxious and depressed again. I didn't go out, I didn't meet up with friends, I was super tired, incredibly unmotivated and basically went into hiding. But I didn't want to write about that. I mean, who wants to READ about that?  I don't want to be 'that girl' who moans online and goes sympathy fishing!

I found myself facing that realisation a lot of people like me come to. It's one thing to write about all the good stuff you're doing, and to inspire others to take steps to overcome their demons, and to do that yourself and be proud about it. But really, we are not telling the whole story. We reminisce about the bad periods while we are in a good zone, and talk about how well we are doing now. I was happy to talk about how bad things 'had' been, and about all the things I was proudly doing to make an effort to live the life I really wanted to be living. But the moment things got hard, I stopped talking about it. I felt ashamed, I felt 'stupid' and felt like I'd failed again.

I guess it's a double edged sword.
On the one hand, I want people to know, to understand and to stop stigmatising.
On the other, when things actually get tough and I actually have to 'deal' with the issues I'm blogging about, I actually don't want to share it anymore.

Hmmm, I'm going to have to think about this one.

I'm Still Here!

....just in case you were beginning to wonder.

Yes, it's been nearly a month since we did the show, and a month since I last wrote a blog here. I have been regularly writing in the pregnancy blog mind you, so it hasn't been all stop-stations in the writing department. By the way - feel free to check out the other blog, if you feel so inclined.

I figured, since it's been a rough month mentally, and it's now July, which is over half way through the year, and baby is due in just 10 weeks now (YIKES!), that it was time to evaluate and reflect on all that's been this year.

My new years resolution was ;

"to stop making excuses, and work towards achieving my dreams of being a performer."

And you know what? I think I've been successful. I may not have completed the original goal, which was to "work towards recording an album", but I feel that what I achieved with the Brass Band Concert, and then the Cabaret, actually far exceeded what I imagined I could do performance wise, and therefore, I am happy. (And to be honest, I wrote 5 pretty decent songs over christmas, so that actually counts that first goal as achieved also!)

Getting pregnant much faster than expected did throw a spanner in the works for a start, but after I got my head around that little bump (baha!), I actually really surprised myself with what I achieved in this past six months.

Sometimes it's good to put things into perspective, to stop beating yourself up about the little things that you haven't managed to do (the dishes, cleaning, all that marking for school), and take time to feel a little bit proud of what you have done. Here is my list so far this year;

1. Performed solo at a brass band concert
2. Flew all the way to Auckland by myself without taking any medication
3. Saw Josh Groban perform live (life dream!)
4. organised and performed in a scripted cabaret concert 
5. sung solo with a head mic (squee!)
6. acted with my husband (scary!)
7. made it through the 1st trimester, and some heavy endless nausea
8. made it through the 2nd trimester...just
9. wrote and recorded (albeit on garageband in my house) 5 original songs
10. put them ONLINE!!
11. kept up these two blogs, forcing myself to put my own demons out there into the world.

What are the biggest thing I've learnt this year?

1. That when you are open and honest about what you are going through, almost everyone around you reciprocates, and you realise you are not as alone as you thought you were.
2. That I really enjoy performing live, and can manage a panic attack on stage.
3. That writing makes me put things in perspective, and that I actually might be quite an ok writer after all.
4. That I possibly, might actually be able to do anything...except maybe fly.

So, people, GO MAKE A LIST OF THE COOL THINGS YOU HAVE DONE SO FAR THIS YEAR, and then have a smile, and a wine and congratulate yourself just a little.

Time to go think of the next step to work towards in the 'becoming me' saga, what can I do to challenge my anxiety further? Oh yeah! Have a baby.

Maybe I'll go do that.

Until next time, here is a completely irrelevant, but very happy kitten.