Me and My Anxiety (Bio)

All my life I've dreamed of being a singer, actor, director, dancer. Pretty much anything that meant I would be able to perform, was something I wanted to do.

Only problem was, that being on stage was literally terrifying for me. I would get nervous, and people would tell me that it was completely normal. I understood that, I really did, but I also knew that if every performer felt as bad as I did before getting up there, no one would EVER get up there.

The difference between nerves and anxiety is simple. Intensity of sensation.

Where my friends would get butterflies, I would feel nausea.
While friends ate lunch and chattered nervously about the upcoming show, I would pick at my food, having been unable to eat for the past three weeks just thinking about it.
Shakes, sweating, heat flushes, dizziness, blurred vision, pounding heart, hyperventilation and sometimes even freezing up, crying, fainting.
The reward from the event, was simply not worth the torment that lead up to it.

So I stopped.
I became the most reliable piker in the world. I started getting anxious about going places, supermarkets, public transport, movie theatres, all became triggers for panic. Staying the night away from home, school classrooms and later lecture halls.

What started off as severe stage fright, morphed into a serious case of Social Anxiety Disorder throughout my teens. The fear of panicing in front of others, and the constant worry about what they thought of me meant I didn't go to parties, I didn't stay over at peoples houses, I always had an excuse not to drink (in case I lost control), not to meet new people, not to have to stay too long.

When I hit my 20's and started missing uni lectures because of the stress of controlling bubbling anxiety for the whole lecture, I started taking medication to control it.
An intense Cognitive Behaviour Therapy intervention did wonders for the social anxiety and I thought I was finally cured!

I was wrong. Although I am much better in social situations now, and am relatively comfortable meeting people, the anxiety has decided to morph into Panic Disorder. Yay me. And once again I am back in therapy, more CBT and now even metacognitive therapy, but with a better outlook and understanding of the work I'm going to have to do.

My goal for this year, was to work towards putting a CD of original songs together, and I am still working on that. However, the plan changed slightly when I fell pregnant for the first time earlier this year. After being terrified for 3 months, I am now more focused on getting this anxiety under control, to prove to myself (for my child) that it wont stop me from living my dreams, that it wont end up being the victor in my life.

My priorities may have changed, but my goal is still the same, to prove to myself, and to show my kid that nothing is impossible!