Tuesday 13 August 2013

Festivals, singing and self doubt

Yesterday, was the culmination of months of planning and organising. Mostly just by me.
Now, I like to be in control as much as the next person, I have learnt over the years that if I want something done properly and in good time, then I can't rely on others to do it. This year was no exception unfortunately, despite the fact that I really needed the help, and asked for it on a number of occasions. I had a couple of people step up to help, but, helpful as those people were, somehow it didn't work out, and I ended up being made to feel a little useless on the day due to my apparent lack of foresight.

I don't know if I genuinely misunderstood them, or if I really just am that stupid, or if I should just ignore their upset comments and trust that I did everything I could to get this festival going, despite being under more than the normal amount of stress this year, and that their frustrations were not my fault.

It did go well, the students taking part had no idea of the things going wrong behind the scenes. Somehow, little old me managed to get 13 school choirs together, for 13 hours, provide them with 4 really amazing choral/stage workshops and then give them a night of performance opportunities a lot of them will likely never forget. That has to be a good thing, it's what this city (and this country) needs. A bigger push towards getting kids from all backgrounds involved in positive extra-curricular arts activities, by allowing them to join choirs which aren't focused on classical/arts music (generally considered boring, elitist and old fashioned). Singing music they listen to daily, singing in groups, holding harmonies and still working towards excellence. Having the chance to put their work on show. Keeping ticket prices low so that all parents feel able to come and be involved on the night. That's my vision for this festival, and so far it is working.

So why, after yesterdays mammoth effort of coordinating everything, looking after everyone, applying for all the funding, liasing with all the schools, and keeping everything running smoothly for 13 hours straight, after nearly ten months of planning, do I feel like I somehow failed?

Because, despite all the positives, the only things I can think about is everything that went wrong.

  •  I (wrongly apparently) assumed that my main help was handling ALL the technical stuff. I thought he told me that a sound check should be about getting them on and off the stage and singing perhaps a line of music, that they should need no more than 3 minutes to do that. So that's all I timetabled for sound checks. 
  • I also wrongly assumed that the schools would arrange to bring their own copies of the massed item music for their singers - some did, some didn't. Again, my main help questioned what I had done about this on stage in front of everyone, so obviously, I felt crap. Despite the fact that I had sent out music months ago to all schools and requested that they bring their own copies.
  • I felt rubbish about how knackered everyone was - the workshops were awesome, but by the end, the kids and presenters were completely shattered. Clearly I had overestimated what could be achieved. 
  • I also had somehow managed to get all the way to the event without arranging a stage crew, runners or front of house ticket takers. It's not that I hadn't thought about it, I'm pretty sure I even asked someone else to arrange it, but it just didn't eventuate. 
  • Parents complained because they were seated behind performers who constantly stood up in enthusiasm and blocked their view. I am in two minds about this one - yes I see their point, perhaps seating them at the front next time would be better, however I am focused on this being a very student orientated event, so I refuse to budge on having them sit anywhere but in the auditorium so they can watch the concert. 
  • There were major parking issues, heaps of people got parking tickets for parking in non parking areas - double yellow lines, on curbs etc. Our festival ran 20 minutes later than anticipated (which to be fair is not very late in school concert terms), and they were not happy. I again am focussed on the students, and feel that if you are going to park illegally, then don't get upset if you get a ticket. 
So, there is clearly a lot to think about for next time. I am now so tired I can hardly move from my bed. I took advantage of the post show excitement and emailed out to all the teachers about forming a committee for next year. Ideally, I just want to ensure that my vision and philosophy behind this event doesn't get distorted. That it remains student not profit focussed, and that it is as low cost to parents as it can be to ensure that choral singing doesn't get put into the 'elite' music category. I want to take a back seat now. I feel that things are well established, and that if a few people take over and share out the jobs, then it will run smoothly. More brains, more ideas, less oversights.

I have had a resounding yes from 3 people, and I know that my helpers from yesterday will definitely be on board. 

This project means a lot to me, and I want to see it keep going. Yesterday was essentially a massive success, and I wish I could feel as excited as other people are about it. 

Do you ever feel like you've failed despite everyone else telling you how amazing you are and that what you did was incredible?


Sunday 28 July 2013

Writing

Today, I got told that I haven't written anything for ages.
Well yeah, I guess that's true. But to be honest, I feel silly writing about nothing. Nothing has happened since the show, except that I've gotten more pregnant.

I have been writing furiously on my pregnancy blog though, so feel free to check that out if you feel so inclined. But that's not the point of this blog. I started this one as an outlet for myself to connect with others and to help people understand a little more about anxiety, depression and mental health from an 'insiders' perspective.

I feel that I've had nothing happen to write about, and so I haven't written.

But I guess I'd be lying.

Soon after the show ended, I got very anxious and depressed again. I didn't go out, I didn't meet up with friends, I was super tired, incredibly unmotivated and basically went into hiding. But I didn't want to write about that. I mean, who wants to READ about that?  I don't want to be 'that girl' who moans online and goes sympathy fishing!

I found myself facing that realisation a lot of people like me come to. It's one thing to write about all the good stuff you're doing, and to inspire others to take steps to overcome their demons, and to do that yourself and be proud about it. But really, we are not telling the whole story. We reminisce about the bad periods while we are in a good zone, and talk about how well we are doing now. I was happy to talk about how bad things 'had' been, and about all the things I was proudly doing to make an effort to live the life I really wanted to be living. But the moment things got hard, I stopped talking about it. I felt ashamed, I felt 'stupid' and felt like I'd failed again.

I guess it's a double edged sword.
On the one hand, I want people to know, to understand and to stop stigmatising.
On the other, when things actually get tough and I actually have to 'deal' with the issues I'm blogging about, I actually don't want to share it anymore.

Hmmm, I'm going to have to think about this one.


Friday 12 July 2013

I'm Still Here!

....just in case you were beginning to wonder.

Yes, it's been nearly a month since we did the show, and a month since I last wrote a blog here. I have been regularly writing in the pregnancy blog mind you, so it hasn't been all stop-stations in the writing department. By the way - feel free to check out the other blog, if you feel so inclined.

I figured, since it's been a rough month mentally, and it's now July, which is over half way through the year, and baby is due in just 10 weeks now (YIKES!), that it was time to evaluate and reflect on all that's been this year.

My new years resolution was ;

"to stop making excuses, and work towards achieving my dreams of being a performer."


And you know what? I think I've been successful. I may not have completed the original goal, which was to "work towards recording an album", but I feel that what I achieved with the Brass Band Concert, and then the Cabaret, actually far exceeded what I imagined I could do performance wise, and therefore, I am happy. (And to be honest, I wrote 5 pretty decent songs over christmas, so that actually counts that first goal as achieved also!)

Getting pregnant much faster than expected did throw a spanner in the works for a start, but after I got my head around that little bump (baha!), I actually really surprised myself with what I achieved in this past six months.

Sometimes it's good to put things into perspective, to stop beating yourself up about the little things that you haven't managed to do (the dishes, cleaning, all that marking for school), and take time to feel a little bit proud of what you have done. Here is my list so far this year;

  1. Performed solo at a brass band concert
  2. Flew all the way to Auckland by myself without taking any medication
  3. Saw Josh Groban perform live (life dream!)
  4. organised and performed in a scripted cabaret concert 
  5. sung solo with a head mic (squee!)
  6. acted with my husband (scary!)
  7. made it through the 1st trimester, and some heavy endless nausea
  8. made it through the 2nd trimester...just
  9. wrote and recorded (albeit on garageband in my house) 5 original songs
  10. put them ONLINE!!
  11. kept up these two blogs, forcing myself to put my own demons out there into the world.

What are the biggest thing I've learnt this year?

  1. That when you are open and honest about what you are going through, almost everyone around you reciprocates, and you realise you are not as alone as you thought you were.
  2. That I really enjoy performing live, and can manage a panic attack on stage.
  3. That writing makes me put things in perspective, and that I actually might be quite an ok writer after all.
  4. That I possibly, might actually be able to do anything...except maybe fly.

So, people, GO MAKE A LIST OF THE COOL THINGS YOU HAVE DONE SO FAR THIS YEAR, and then have a smile, and a wine and congratulate yourself just a little.

Time to go think of the next step to work towards in the 'becoming me' saga, what can I do to challenge my anxiety further? Oh yeah! Have a baby.
Maybe I'll go do that.

Until next time, here is a completely irrelevant, but very happy kitten.






Sunday 16 June 2013

Show Time

Saturday was the big day.
We had a full house!
We got a standing ovation!
That is crazy, as far as I'm concerned.

The Show

I woke up and instantly entered my anxious place - becoming quiet and feeling a little surreal for most of the day.  I busied myself as we waited for my parents to arrive and as our 3pm call time approached, making cards and organising the programmes and front of house paperwork. By 2pm I was quite nervous, and feeling queasy in my stomach. I knew we would have a full house, as we were already putting people onto our waiting list.

That was something I was having trouble comprehending - how many people suddenly wanted to come and see it!

3 O-Clock arrived, and we met everyone else at the theatre. They were all also nervous and freaking out and excited, which made me start to feel better. We attempted a run through
Which went terribly.
I couldn't remember a single word, lyric or line. I kept forgetting to speak. I kept forgetting what was happening.
Then I started to feel faint.

Immediately my brain switched into catastrophe mode. I hadn't eaten enough. I was too nervous to eat. I was going to ruin the show by fainting on stage. What if I ate too much and then was sick. I knew without a doubt that I was going to ruin everything!

Before I knew what was happening, it was 10 past 7, people were queuing at the door. There was no turning back now!

7:35pm
Take places side stage.
Lights to Black.
Enter Stage Left.
We were on!


Everything went smoothly. I didn't mess up the first song. The others sang amazingly. The crowd was giving a great energy, which we were reciprocating. Everyone was buzzing.

Then, four songs in, my worst fear hit out of nowhere. I was too hot, I couldn't breathe right, I couldn't leave the stage. I was feeling nauseas, faint, dizzy. I  began mentally going over options for getting off the stage. Then the 'what if's' kicked in.

"What if I faint?"
"What if I leave the stage and then pass out, and the show stops 'cos no one knows where I am?"

"What if I can't make it to the next song?"


Luckily, the next song came very quickly and I was able to recover within a few lines of singing. PHEW!

After that I was fine. I even started to have fun! The show went so well. So much better than I thought it could. I remembered all my words (well for the most part, and I successfully fudged the ones I did forget) and hit all my notes, and didn't drop any lines. WOOT!  We got some amazing feedback, and my parents were so so proud!
 "hope you are as proud of yourself as I am, of you! Wonderful show. Lovely people. Well done to all involved. This is what theatre in Christchurch should be aiming for. Nice to see a piece that was not afraid to show some raw emotion. Xxx"
"You all rocked. Totally blown away by the amazing voices. I can only hope to be at that level myself someday. Well done. (Oh, and the guy on keyboards was pretty good too!) "
"Great night out last night congrats to cast of Broadway here I come. Deserves a bigger audience. Well done Jessica and co, thoroughly enjoyed it. " 

To be honest, I don't think I have actually processed properly what it is that I achieved personally, or that we achieved as a new theatre group. Everyone is already talking about 'the next one'. All I am thinking is 'let me have this baby first!'

Personal Wins From the Show!

1) Performed solo for an audience
2) Sang with a microphone for a crowd
3) Acted out scenes that weren't sung
4) Managed a near miss panic on stage
5) Finally showed my parents what I can do!
6) said 'thanks' to all the compliments (usually I make an excuse)
7) Made my Dad proud!
8) Made me proud!
9) Achieved my new years resolution of doing more performing

9 wins is a pretty good number, don't you think?








Thursday 13 June 2013

Dress Rehearsal

Literally until the lights went down and I was waiting back stage, I felt pretty ok about this dress rehearsal. I had managed to put a lid on the seemingly enormous number of people coming to it, and was confident that everyone in the audience was friendly and kind. 

These pleasant feelings of calm and control vanished very quickly in the minutes before we went on.

I wanted to be sick. 
I was feeling too hot.
I was convinced I would forget every word, that I'd look stupid, that this whole thing was stupid, that we would look like fools.

"I can't do it. We have to stop it now!" I whispered frantically to my husband who was waiting not far down from me.

"You'll be fine. You can do it." He replied.

I 100% did not believe him.

Lights went down, we all walked on. I didn't mess up my first few lines, and I even managed to get through the first song without mucking up. Success!
Unfortunately my nerves were only mildly placated by this achievement. As the act went on, and the audience failed to laugh where they should, my anxiety started to spike again.

It was true.
This is a piece of crap theatre!
We sound awful.
They hate it.
This is lame.
We should STOP NOW!

Act 1 over. 

It took only 40 minutes for act 1, so it's a relatively short show. Our director didn't give us any feedback at the 'interval' and we were all freaking out a little. 

My nerves had settled down a bit. I had made it through the act 1 songs and only stuffed up one word! As far as I was concerned, that was a WIN!

Act 2 was slightly shorter, and had a few more tech stuff ups, and one insanely long dead patch where someone forgot their line - which they finally recovered, and we moved on. 

Successes so far?
I didn't forget my words.
I didn't throw up on stage.
I didn't have a panic attack on stage.
We got really good feedback from the audience after wards.
The director said my acting was really good (phew!).
I felt ok in the end.

Now to face Saturday....and to remind myself "I'm doing this for my Mum!"
Act 2 'bar fight' - me on right looking pissed!



Tuesday 11 June 2013

3 Sleeps Till Show Time!

My plan is working.

I am stressed. And excited. And freaking out.

I have to keep calming myself down by reminding myself "I'm doing this for my mum."
That really does make me feel better. I think perhaps it's because if I focus on the fact that I only really care what my mum thinks about how it goes, then I feel a lot less scared about the fact that this is kinda all on my shoulders if it goes horribly badly.

Which it wont.

I hope.



Pre-Tech Rehearsal Photos

The 3 leading ladies (I'm far left)

Pissed off after another failed audition!

The fantastic Roz as Lucy

Karen mid song 
Saul having a thinking song moment
Pre- rehearsal briefing




Thursday 6 June 2013

The Unfairness Of It All

I guess I've always been something of a feminist.
It probably began with my very Catholic upbringing. Having to listen to weekly sermons about the sinful nature of abortions, of young mothers, of adultery and all that other 'abominable' stuff.

I refused to get confirmed when I was 11 - siting that 'I wasn't sure that I really wanted to be'.
Then horror of all horrors, I refused to keep attending church when I was 13 years old.

That did not make my father happy. (Secretly, I think my previously anglican mum was a bit proud)

I was a very stubborn girl though, and wasn't about to give in. Not when I felt it was quintessentially wrong that it took both a man and a woman to create a baby, but that the woman would be the one who was demonised by society if she weren't married, was too young, or too poor. Then I saw a couple of girls forced to leave school because of the scandal it would create.
What happened to the boys?
Nothing. They later both graduated with a full education.
.
So I stuck to my guns. After weeks of Sunday arguments which went nowhere, I finally agreed to a compromise. I didn't have to go to church. But I did have to do the dishes instead.
I think my dad might have been a bit shocked when I said yes to this arrangement.

Question:  What did I learn from this experience?
Answer:  Society views women as weak.

It's a fact. We are not physically as strong as men. We cry more often. We ask for help more often. We take 'mental health' days more often. We need more sick days because of events created by 'mother nature'.

Basically, women take better care of themselves then men do. But for doing this, we pay quite a price.

To Be Continued...




Friday 31 May 2013

Midnight Panic


I don't know which blog to write this on, so I'm going to put it in both.

I am awake now. Completely awake.
At least, that's what I'm telling myself. Baby is kicking up a storm, and has been for the past few hours now. I was finally drifting off to sleep, when I started to feel a bit uncomfortable.
My heart was beating just a little too hard.
My gut was feeling just a little too twisty.
My shoulders were getting just a little too tense.
I couldn't breathe right.
I was too hot.

I was about to Panic.

Normally, I try and make these blogs somewhat humorous, but right now, I just can't think how.
I tried to calm myself down without getting out of bed. But it wasn't working, everything was geting worse. I was starting to feel on the verge of being very ill, that the next step was going to be huddled in the bathroom.

I don't know what it is. Or why it's happening again. Luckily I didn't fall asleep. Luckily I realised what was happening before it fully happened.

But now what. I'm up. I'm tired. I'm scared to go back to bed, because it's all lingering in the back of my mind.

My heart is still beating too hard.
My stomach still doesn't feel right.
Maybe I have food poisoning?

I don't even know what I'm most worried about, what has brought this on?

I can't go through with this pregnancy?
I am so embarrassed about how I look. I can't remember anything. Everyone is looking at me all the time. Everyone thinks I'm too big. Everyone is judging everything I eat. I can't relax. I can't believe there is a living thing inside me. I can't make it stop. I have absolutely no control over it. I have no say anymore. I am trapped. I want this to be over. I want the baby to be here. I don't want to be pregnant anymore. I want a drink to calm me down. I want my body back. I want to be me again.


Putting on this show?
I don't feel we're ready to go ahead with the show. Everything is taking too long. Surely we should have run it a few times by now. Maybe I shouldn't have brought so many people on board. It's all blowing out of control. Out of proportion. Much bigger than it needs to be. There's more to do than I had originally intended for. This wasn't what I had planned. I don't know my words. I can't act. It's going to look lame. It's going to be awful. I'll let everyone down. I've built it up too much. What if I freak out too much and can't do it after all. Why did I even do this to begin with? I have too much on. I have too much to think about. I want it all to stop.

I don't feel any better yet.
I'm scared this is going to keep getting worse. Maybe it won't even stop when baby gets here.
I want to get off this ride now.


Wednesday 15 May 2013

Inside a Panic Attack

This blog is aimed at people who do not suffer from Panic Attacks. Perhaps you have a friend or a family member who has just started having them, or perhaps you know someone who has had them for years. Either way, it can be extremely frustrating to watch from the outside. Every now and then, those closest to us, need to be reminded that we are not doing this to hurt them, and that we do, in fact, really appreciate their help and understanding. Sometimes a little understanding, goes a long way.

Let's get started.

Panic Attacks, are not fun.

They are not made up.
They are not something that happens, 'just cos we don't want to do something.'
They are also not in our heads, or done for attention, or because we are crazy, or because we wished them upon ourselves.

We certainly wouldn't wish them on anyone else.

Panic Attacks, once it gets to that point, are next to impossible to control. Once they start, unless you have some serious therapy which has helped, or some very effective medication (usually prescription and highly addictive), you are pretty much there for the ride.

In my experience, everyone has slightly different experiences of Panic Attacks, however, there seems to be one overriding feeling that everyone goes through, and that is Terror.

What It Feels Like

Most people seem to get the same common symptoms:

  • Racing Heart
  • Hyperventilation
  • Shaking
Then there is a mixture of other things that can occur - these are the ones I get:
  • Nausea
  • Diarreah
  • Tingly/frozen hands (frozen, in the sense that I can't move them, not that they are cold)
  • Blurred vision
  • 'Fuzzy' hearing
  • Derealization (feeling of nothing being real)
  • Sweating
  • Heat Flashes
From other people, I've heard that these can also happen:
  • Heart palpitations
  • chest pain
  • fainting
Now, bearing in mind that all these sensations are occurring at the same time, it is little wonder that often a Panic Attack is mistaken for something much more serious. People have been rushed to hospital with these symptoms, doctors and machines can read these symptoms, but nothing is found to be wrong.

If you have ever had a panic attack, then you will understand what I am talking about, and will not need convincing.
If you have never had one, then try to imagine yourself having a heart attack, or suddenly finding yourself unable to breath, or see, or hear properly. You may or may not be able to identify what's happening, or why it's happening, and that is really scary.

Panic Attacks and Me

I had my first panic attack when I was 11 years old. I had them almost weekly, if not daily from then until now, but I didn't know what they were for a number of years. Now I know what they are, I have been working on overcoming them through therapy, medication and a lot of hard work for a decade. I can usually work through them, but not always, and I normally know why it is happening or what triggered it, but there have been three times in the past 5 months when I have panicked and not realised that was what was happening (and that's after having them for nearly 20 years now).

Sometimes I have them, and nobody around me even knows anything is wrong, because I have adapted to hide them. Often I will simply leave the room if I notice it is about to happen. Often my own husband won't even know that I am having a panic attack, although he will know that something is wrong, sometimes he thinks I am just sick, or angry, because I get so quiet. 

What To Do

Don't tell them to breathe and get over it.
Don't get frustrated with them

Do give them space a bit of time. Panic Attacks are not physically able to last for long, they may reoccur right away, but there is down time in between.
Do get them some water, a wet cloth or a paper bag. 
Do stay with them.

Making them talk to you is often not helpful....at least it's never been for me.

All I am asking, is that you be aware of what it is. What it feels like. How scary and out of control they can feel. Know that you may not be able to see it. But believe me, that person is feeling it.

Saturday 11 May 2013

Cabaret freakout #2

So, this little project is trucking right along. Only problem is, that somehow I have put myself in charge once again, and I seem to be doing everything.

This isn't a bad thing, don't get me wrong. I like being in charge - guess it's an oldest child thing. I get all inspired and do everything at once, often I can't sleep until it's done. But I like being in charge when I know for sure that I am supposed to be in charge.

For instance, when I'm in the classroom, I know my role, I know what I am meant to do, and that everyone in the room expects me to do it. That's sweet, I can handle that.

This isn't the same though, I had this idea that I wanted to perform for people and give myself a shot at overcoming my stage fright. I asked others if they wanted to be involved, and set it up as a collaborative project. I really thought that they would have ideas and opinions about it, but that doesn't seem to be the case.

Somehow, I am the one writing the script, finding the venue, setting up the events page, getting the song rights, pestering everyone to find songs, organising rehearsals.....and then running them. I think I would be fine with this, if I had set myself up as the director from the start, but I didn't. Clearly I didn't think this through. I have a horrible feeling like I'm pissing everyone off, that they think what I've written is stupid, but they don't want to hurt my feelings by telling me. That they find me bossy, that they are angry I have more songs than they do....although to be honest, that's only because I had songs picked out from the get go, and they are still deciding three weeks later what they want to sing.

We go onstage in 5 weeks. I don't want to look like an idiot, or a tyrant, and I am getting very very nervous and apprehensive, that this grand idea of mine was stupid and overly ambitious.  I guess all I can do is practise my songs, make sure I am doing them the best that I can. I am sure everything will fall into place. We have a lot of people keen to come along, which is awesome, but I feel sick just even thinking about it!

This will be interesting to re-read when it's over....

Sunday 5 May 2013

A history of physical illness....yeah right

Today, I feel the need to rehash something I have blogged about before. You can read that post here if you so wish.

My problem is, the way people, and media, just throw around the term 'mental illness.

For instance,
"...a young women, who has a history of mental illness..."
"...the killer has a history of severe mental illness..."
"...today a man with a history of mental illness attacked...
"...the alleged killer has a history of mental illness..."
"...the accused has a history of mental illness..."

If you think that's ok, then just replace mental with the word 'physical' and you'll see how ridiculous it is.

The term 'mental illness' cannot continue to be used as a cover all for every single type of mental illness out there. And it certainly cannot be used to 'explain' away people's behaviour, so that everyone just nods their head and thinks 'oh, they have a mental illness, well that explains it then.'

Just like physical health includes everything from headaches, to cancer, to the flu and hepatitis or polio, malaria or a simple cold, the term mental health covers everything from mild depression and substance abuse, to aspergers syndrome, ADHD, dementia and schizophrenia, with just as many variables in between.


This brilliant image popped up on my facebook timeline today.

What I want to know, is when the media will start actually taking notice of this, and start differentiating between them. For instance, "..a man with a history of mental illness, has been accused of assaulting a care giver...' would seem a lot less insidious, if the public were aware that this man had a history of Dissociative Identity Disorder, and had stopped taking the medications which were helping him, because a close family member had criticised him for being on 'crazy pills'.

By the same reasoning, the headline '... a mother with a history of mental illness is in custody after being charged with neglecting her child...' would make the general public more aware of the seriousness of the situation, if they were allowed to know that she was in fact, suffering from suffer Post Partum Depression, yet had been too ashamed to ask for help for fear of being labeled 'crazy' by those around her. 

But I guess that neither of those truths makes for a very exciting news story.

I'm not saying that there aren't some very mentally disturbed people out there who are legitimately dangerous, there most definitely are. But by simplifying it as simply 'mental illness', the majority of us who suffer a mental illness which is doing no one any harm but us, continue to feel as though we must live in hiding, not reveal our full selves, not ask for help, not take the medication that could save us. 

By continuing to lump every mental illness into one title, the media is simply exacerbating the stigma that all people who suffer ANY type of mental illness still have to deal with on a day to day basis. 

I take daily medication to keep my depression away and my anxiety at a manageable level. I am a pretty normal person. I love to sing, I am a school teacher, I hate early mornings, I have a family and  kid on the way. But I know that if I were to end up on the news for any reason, I too, would be labeled as having a history of mental illness.

But there is so much more to me than that.




Wednesday 1 May 2013

Cabaret FREAK OUT

This bold plan to create a way to face my fear of being on stage, rather than just waiting to one day get cast in something, is coming along rather quickly now!

We have a pianist, a director, and now I have created a basic script/story line to accompany all of our songs. The girls are keen, husbands excited and with it being holidays, I am able to spend a LOT of time thinking about and working on it.

So why do I keep worrying? I know my parents and friends will come to see it, and I know the others involved are excited and super keen, and I know that everyone thinks it's a great idea. Don't get me wrong, I think it is too, but I am fighting a lot weird concerns.

  • Am I taking over too much?
  • Are they going to hate me, but not tell me?
  • Are they upset that they haven't had much input yet?
  • Can I really expect everyone to do this for no money?
  • What if I get to stressed and have to pull out?
  • What if I panic and cant go on stage.
  • What if i don't pull out, but I/the show sucks?
  • What if other theatre people in this town think I'm full of it?
  • Should I really be doing this?
I have to keep reminding myself why I wanted to do this in the first place.
  1. My dream is to be a singer and performer.
  2. I can never practise this, because I don't have opportunities given to me by others.
  3. I am creating my own opportunity in order to grow and overcome this stage fright/anxiety.
  4. Once I have done it, I will be able to continue to grow as a performer, and be strong for my kid.
  5. Sometimes you have to forge your own pathway to achieve your dreams
So the lesson for today is:






Monday 22 April 2013

Cabaret!

After performing with the brass band a couple of weekends ago, myself and the other two girls who sang there, have decided to put on a Cabaret.
Why?
Well, many reasons. Firstly, being white girls who love musical theatre and sing pretty well, we very rarely get cast in shows, due to the sheer number of white girls who love musical theatre and sing pretty well floating around.
Secondly, because of this, we find we never get any better at performing, and therefore never get a chance to really face our performance nerves head on.
Result? Lets create a performance opportunity ourselves!

The idea is that we will each perform maybe 5 songs we have always wanted to perform, along with some group numbers. We have a fantastic pianist on board, and a great coach type director tutor person who will help us fine tune - AND we have a venue....provided my school can figure out when it is available.

The plan is to put it on in the next couple of months - before I hit the third trimester and need to be wheeled places.

It's a very exciting idea, and I'm really glad we are doing it, I think the audience we get will be super awesome and supportive too as it will mostly be friends and family.

Still - can't help the anticipatory nerves from kicking in...EEK!
Will keep you all updated as it progresses :)
 xx

Here is the video from the Brass Band Concert - I had fun, but was SO nervous before hand, I almost didn't walk onto the stage, and nearly threw up twice! Glad I did it though :) It really helped that the conductor kept looking at me and pulling faces, and that the key was so low I had no technical issues. Next time - I will make sure I bow PROPERLY!

Monday 15 April 2013

Flying, concerts, panic and therapists

This past weekend, I faced two of my biggest panic triggers, made a very important discovery, and learnt something new about myself. It was a big weekend.

The First Flight

First big trigger I faced, flying. Over the last few years, this fear has gotten progressively worse after a number of terrible experiences flying at different times. I've learnt to take Lorazepam before any flight, and to sit at the back, on the aisle, with a sick bag on my lap and think calm thoughts constantly. This has proved to be a bit hit and miss to be honest, and I've slowly found myself vowing to 'never fly again' more and more frequently.
This time was different. This time, I was flying to Auckland to see my most favourite artist ever and long time imaginary boyfriend perform his first ever live NZ concert! I'll be honest, I actually tried to give away all my tickets, I had decided I wasn't going to go. That the stress wasn't worth it, that I didn't want to hurt the baby. But one day before the concert, I changed my mind. I WOULD DO IT!

Turns out, Lorazepam is a no no during pregnancy. Obstacle number 1.

Instead, I took a small panic survival kit on board.

The first rush of anxiety crept up from a numb tingle in my feet, followed quickly by an intense hot flush - YAY WET WIPES! I made it to Auckland without a panic attack, although the anxiety was probably sitting at a 7 for the entire flight. I felt that it was a win though - particularly because the first 20 minutes was constant bumps and jolts.

The Concert

WAS AMAZING! I cried when he walked on stage, and was so star struck that I pretty much missed the entire first song! We were sitting in fantastic seats, and the vector arena wasn't nearly as terrifying as I'd imagined, PLUS, THIS HAPPENED!!!
Boy, were we sitting in the RIGHT PLACE - Josh was mere metres in front of us, my trip was so worth it. I was grinning from ear to ear the entire time - and for hours after, and even most of the next day...when I wasn't crying (hormonal much?). 
Anxiety wise? I had a rush of panic while driving in, but managed to control it well enough that my friend didn't even notice anything was wrong. I was a bit nervous when we walked in, and we didn't actually take our seats for about 10 minutes until I felt more comfortable, but once we were sitting, I was transfixed for the entire concert, I wish it had never ended.

Important Discovery

That night, I woke up in the middle of a full panic attack. I have never had this experience before, and it was terrifying. I only knew it was a panic attack because the first thought in my head was 'I cannot fly back tomorrow', and I vaguely remembered dreaming about flying. I felt like I was going to vomit and have diorreah all at the same time, my heart was pounding so fast I could feel it in my throat, and I was shaking badly. It took over an hour to calm myself down, and while I was lying there, panicing in the dark I suddenly realised something.

This is not the first time this has happened.
It is simply the first time I have realised what was going on. 

I can recall three other midnight panic attacks, which at the time, I legitimately thought were just me being really ill. The first time happened when we were camping, I was worried about being sick and not being able to get home (cue - 20 mins shaking in the toilets, 45 minute shower, 1 hour trying to sleep in the car). The second time, I had just found out I was pregnant, and was worried I wouldn't be able to cope (cue, half an hour huddling in a blanket near the toilet, 3 hours sleeping on the couch hugging a bucket). The third time, we had people staying at our house, the toilet was occupied and I was feeling slightly anxious about having morning sickness and not being able to get to the bathroom (cue - 45 minutes hogging the bathroom). On NONE of those occasions, did I actually vomit.

When I realised all this, I didn't know what to think, I was relieved firstly, because it meant that I wasn't actually sick those times. Then I realised this meant that the anxiety is morphing yet again, and this time presenting in a way that I can't really get a handle on as it strikes while I'm asleep and have no chance to stop it. 
Not ideal.

The Flight Home

This flight was so much worse than the first one. I was tired, exhausted from constant high anxiety and midnight panic attacks. I also hadn't really eaten properly for 24 hours, due to lack of access to food and being too nervous when it was there. Again, I had the same 'survival kit' at the ready, I also had incredible memories and a lingering high from the concert to call upon.
Nevertheless, I went through many wet wipes in an effort to fight the hot flashes. I was constantly having to regain control of my breathing (in -2-3-out-2-3-hold-2-3) and checking my watch to see how much longer we had to go.

After Affects

I cried. For two hours, starting the minute I got into the car. The immense relief from having made it back and knowing I wouldn't have to do it again soon, the enormity of what I had achieved, the frustration that it shouldn't have been so hard, the lingering overwhelming feelings from having finally seen Josh perform live, everything was too much to process, and all I could do was cry.

On the other hand, I had a great session with my therapist today!






Wednesday 10 April 2013

New Blog Site


I started blogging nearly 5 months ago now, but I have decided to move from the blog host I was using, to this one for many reasons - including the fact that I could change the look of the blog on this site :) YAY!
The first post I ever wrote, is written below, and pretty much sums up what this blog is about. 
You can check out my blog posts and song uploads on my old blog at www.jessicaclaire.webs.com


It's time to face my demons, follow my dreams and do what I love doing most, which is singing and performing!
Unfortunately, I have had to battle an anxiety disorder and depression since I was 11, so performing has often been off the cards as I suffer from panic attacks and for a long time had social anxiety disorder, which made any kind of performing in front of people near to impossible.
But I'm working on it, and I feel like it's now or never!
So, my goal for next year is this; I will face my anxiety and follow my dreams. I will audition for every show that I can, and record some of my songs so that you lovely people out there can hear them.
While doing this, you can follow my journey, and see my ups and downs along the way. I hope that this will insipire others out there, who have to fight a similar battle with mental illness, to keep fighting and make things happen for them.
Exciting times ahead I think :)