Flying, concerts, panic and therapists

This past weekend, I faced two of my biggest panic triggers, made a very important discovery, and learnt something new about myself. It was a big weekend.

The First Flight

First big trigger I faced, flying. Over the last few years, this fear has gotten progressively worse after a number of terrible experiences flying at different times. I've learnt to take Lorazepam before any flight, and to sit at the back, on the aisle, with a sick bag on my lap and think calm thoughts constantly. This has proved to be a bit hit and miss to be honest, and I've slowly found myself vowing to 'never fly again' more and more frequently.

This time was different. This time, I was flying to Auckland to see my most favourite artist ever and long time imaginary boyfriend perform his first ever live NZ concert! I'll be honest, I actually tried to give away all my tickets, I had decided I wasn't going to go. That the stress wasn't worth it, that I didn't want to hurt the baby. But one day before the concert, I changed my mind. I WOULD DO IT!

Turns out, Lorazepam is a no no during pregnancy. Obstacle number 1.

Instead, I took a small panic survival kit on board.

The first rush of anxiety crept up from a numb tingle in my feet, followed quickly by an intense hot flush - YAY WET WIPES! I made it to Auckland without a panic attack, although the anxiety was probably sitting at a 7 for the entire flight. I felt that it was a win though - particularly because the first 20 minutes was constant bumps and jolts.

The Concert

WAS AMAZING! I cried when he walked on stage, and was so star struck that I pretty much missed the entire first song! We were sitting in fantastic seats, and the vector arena wasn't nearly as terrifying as I'd imagined, PLUS, THIS HAPPENED!!!

Boy, were we sitting in the RIGHT PLACE - Josh was mere metres in front of us, my trip was so worth it. I was grinning from ear to ear the entire time - and for hours after, and even most of the next day...when I wasn't crying (hormonal much?). 

Anxiety wise? I had a rush of panic while driving in, but managed to control it well enough that my friend didn't even notice anything was wrong. I was a bit nervous when we walked in, and we didn't actually take our seats for about 10 minutes until I felt more comfortable, but once we were sitting, I was transfixed for the entire concert, I wish it had never ended.

Important Discovery

That night, I woke up in the middle of a full panic attack. I have never had this experience before, and it was terrifying. I only knew it was a panic attack because the first thought in my head was 'I cannot fly back tomorrow', and I vaguely remembered dreaming about flying. I felt like I was going to vomit and have diorreah all at the same time, my heart was pounding so fast I could feel it in my throat, and I was shaking badly. It took over an hour to calm myself down, and while I was lying there, panicing in the dark I suddenly realised something.

This is not the first time this has happened.
It is simply the first time I have realised what was going on. 

I can recall three other midnight panic attacks, which at the time, I legitimately thought were just me being really ill. The first time happened when we were camping, I was worried about being sick and not being able to get home (cue - 20 mins shaking in the toilets, 45 minute shower, 1 hour trying to sleep in the car). The second time, I had just found out I was pregnant, and was worried I wouldn't be able to cope (cue, half an hour huddling in a blanket near the toilet, 3 hours sleeping on the couch hugging a bucket). The third time, we had people staying at our house, the toilet was occupied and I was feeling slightly anxious about having morning sickness and not being able to get to the bathroom (cue - 45 minutes hogging the bathroom). On NONE of those occasions, did I actually vomit.

When I realised all this, I didn't know what to think, I was relieved firstly, because it meant that I wasn't actually sick those times. Then I realised this meant that the anxiety is morphing yet again, and this time presenting in a way that I can't really get a handle on as it strikes while I'm asleep and have no chance to stop it. 

Not ideal.

The Flight Home

This flight was so much worse than the first one. I was tired, exhausted from constant high anxiety and midnight panic attacks. I also hadn't really eaten properly for 24 hours, due to lack of access to food and being too nervous when it was there. Again, I had the same 'survival kit' at the ready, I also had incredible memories and a lingering high from the concert to call upon.

Nevertheless, I went through many wet wipes in an effort to fight the hot flashes. I was constantly having to regain control of my breathing (in -2-3-out-2-3-hold-2-3) and checking my watch to see how much longer we had to go.

After Affects

I cried. For two hours, starting the minute I got into the car. The immense relief from having made it back and knowing I wouldn't have to do it again soon, the enormity of what I had achieved, the frustration that it shouldn't have been so hard, the lingering overwhelming feelings from having finally seen Josh perform live, everything was too much to process, and all I could do was cry.

On the other hand, I had a great session with my therapist today!