Monday 22 April 2013

Cabaret!

After performing with the brass band a couple of weekends ago, myself and the other two girls who sang there, have decided to put on a Cabaret.
Why?
Well, many reasons. Firstly, being white girls who love musical theatre and sing pretty well, we very rarely get cast in shows, due to the sheer number of white girls who love musical theatre and sing pretty well floating around.
Secondly, because of this, we find we never get any better at performing, and therefore never get a chance to really face our performance nerves head on.
Result? Lets create a performance opportunity ourselves!

The idea is that we will each perform maybe 5 songs we have always wanted to perform, along with some group numbers. We have a fantastic pianist on board, and a great coach type director tutor person who will help us fine tune - AND we have a venue....provided my school can figure out when it is available.

The plan is to put it on in the next couple of months - before I hit the third trimester and need to be wheeled places.

It's a very exciting idea, and I'm really glad we are doing it, I think the audience we get will be super awesome and supportive too as it will mostly be friends and family.

Still - can't help the anticipatory nerves from kicking in...EEK!
Will keep you all updated as it progresses :)
 xx

Here is the video from the Brass Band Concert - I had fun, but was SO nervous before hand, I almost didn't walk onto the stage, and nearly threw up twice! Glad I did it though :) It really helped that the conductor kept looking at me and pulling faces, and that the key was so low I had no technical issues. Next time - I will make sure I bow PROPERLY!

Monday 15 April 2013

Flying, concerts, panic and therapists

This past weekend, I faced two of my biggest panic triggers, made a very important discovery, and learnt something new about myself. It was a big weekend.

The First Flight

First big trigger I faced, flying. Over the last few years, this fear has gotten progressively worse after a number of terrible experiences flying at different times. I've learnt to take Lorazepam before any flight, and to sit at the back, on the aisle, with a sick bag on my lap and think calm thoughts constantly. This has proved to be a bit hit and miss to be honest, and I've slowly found myself vowing to 'never fly again' more and more frequently.
This time was different. This time, I was flying to Auckland to see my most favourite artist ever and long time imaginary boyfriend perform his first ever live NZ concert! I'll be honest, I actually tried to give away all my tickets, I had decided I wasn't going to go. That the stress wasn't worth it, that I didn't want to hurt the baby. But one day before the concert, I changed my mind. I WOULD DO IT!

Turns out, Lorazepam is a no no during pregnancy. Obstacle number 1.

Instead, I took a small panic survival kit on board.

The first rush of anxiety crept up from a numb tingle in my feet, followed quickly by an intense hot flush - YAY WET WIPES! I made it to Auckland without a panic attack, although the anxiety was probably sitting at a 7 for the entire flight. I felt that it was a win though - particularly because the first 20 minutes was constant bumps and jolts.

The Concert

WAS AMAZING! I cried when he walked on stage, and was so star struck that I pretty much missed the entire first song! We were sitting in fantastic seats, and the vector arena wasn't nearly as terrifying as I'd imagined, PLUS, THIS HAPPENED!!!
Boy, were we sitting in the RIGHT PLACE - Josh was mere metres in front of us, my trip was so worth it. I was grinning from ear to ear the entire time - and for hours after, and even most of the next day...when I wasn't crying (hormonal much?). 
Anxiety wise? I had a rush of panic while driving in, but managed to control it well enough that my friend didn't even notice anything was wrong. I was a bit nervous when we walked in, and we didn't actually take our seats for about 10 minutes until I felt more comfortable, but once we were sitting, I was transfixed for the entire concert, I wish it had never ended.

Important Discovery

That night, I woke up in the middle of a full panic attack. I have never had this experience before, and it was terrifying. I only knew it was a panic attack because the first thought in my head was 'I cannot fly back tomorrow', and I vaguely remembered dreaming about flying. I felt like I was going to vomit and have diorreah all at the same time, my heart was pounding so fast I could feel it in my throat, and I was shaking badly. It took over an hour to calm myself down, and while I was lying there, panicing in the dark I suddenly realised something.

This is not the first time this has happened.
It is simply the first time I have realised what was going on. 

I can recall three other midnight panic attacks, which at the time, I legitimately thought were just me being really ill. The first time happened when we were camping, I was worried about being sick and not being able to get home (cue - 20 mins shaking in the toilets, 45 minute shower, 1 hour trying to sleep in the car). The second time, I had just found out I was pregnant, and was worried I wouldn't be able to cope (cue, half an hour huddling in a blanket near the toilet, 3 hours sleeping on the couch hugging a bucket). The third time, we had people staying at our house, the toilet was occupied and I was feeling slightly anxious about having morning sickness and not being able to get to the bathroom (cue - 45 minutes hogging the bathroom). On NONE of those occasions, did I actually vomit.

When I realised all this, I didn't know what to think, I was relieved firstly, because it meant that I wasn't actually sick those times. Then I realised this meant that the anxiety is morphing yet again, and this time presenting in a way that I can't really get a handle on as it strikes while I'm asleep and have no chance to stop it. 
Not ideal.

The Flight Home

This flight was so much worse than the first one. I was tired, exhausted from constant high anxiety and midnight panic attacks. I also hadn't really eaten properly for 24 hours, due to lack of access to food and being too nervous when it was there. Again, I had the same 'survival kit' at the ready, I also had incredible memories and a lingering high from the concert to call upon.
Nevertheless, I went through many wet wipes in an effort to fight the hot flashes. I was constantly having to regain control of my breathing (in -2-3-out-2-3-hold-2-3) and checking my watch to see how much longer we had to go.

After Affects

I cried. For two hours, starting the minute I got into the car. The immense relief from having made it back and knowing I wouldn't have to do it again soon, the enormity of what I had achieved, the frustration that it shouldn't have been so hard, the lingering overwhelming feelings from having finally seen Josh perform live, everything was too much to process, and all I could do was cry.

On the other hand, I had a great session with my therapist today!






Wednesday 10 April 2013

New Blog Site


I started blogging nearly 5 months ago now, but I have decided to move from the blog host I was using, to this one for many reasons - including the fact that I could change the look of the blog on this site :) YAY!
The first post I ever wrote, is written below, and pretty much sums up what this blog is about. 
You can check out my blog posts and song uploads on my old blog at www.jessicaclaire.webs.com


It's time to face my demons, follow my dreams and do what I love doing most, which is singing and performing!
Unfortunately, I have had to battle an anxiety disorder and depression since I was 11, so performing has often been off the cards as I suffer from panic attacks and for a long time had social anxiety disorder, which made any kind of performing in front of people near to impossible.
But I'm working on it, and I feel like it's now or never!
So, my goal for next year is this; I will face my anxiety and follow my dreams. I will audition for every show that I can, and record some of my songs so that you lovely people out there can hear them.
While doing this, you can follow my journey, and see my ups and downs along the way. I hope that this will insipire others out there, who have to fight a similar battle with mental illness, to keep fighting and make things happen for them.
Exciting times ahead I think :)