Friday 31 May 2013

Midnight Panic


I don't know which blog to write this on, so I'm going to put it in both.

I am awake now. Completely awake.
At least, that's what I'm telling myself. Baby is kicking up a storm, and has been for the past few hours now. I was finally drifting off to sleep, when I started to feel a bit uncomfortable.
My heart was beating just a little too hard.
My gut was feeling just a little too twisty.
My shoulders were getting just a little too tense.
I couldn't breathe right.
I was too hot.

I was about to Panic.

Normally, I try and make these blogs somewhat humorous, but right now, I just can't think how.
I tried to calm myself down without getting out of bed. But it wasn't working, everything was geting worse. I was starting to feel on the verge of being very ill, that the next step was going to be huddled in the bathroom.

I don't know what it is. Or why it's happening again. Luckily I didn't fall asleep. Luckily I realised what was happening before it fully happened.

But now what. I'm up. I'm tired. I'm scared to go back to bed, because it's all lingering in the back of my mind.

My heart is still beating too hard.
My stomach still doesn't feel right.
Maybe I have food poisoning?

I don't even know what I'm most worried about, what has brought this on?

I can't go through with this pregnancy?
I am so embarrassed about how I look. I can't remember anything. Everyone is looking at me all the time. Everyone thinks I'm too big. Everyone is judging everything I eat. I can't relax. I can't believe there is a living thing inside me. I can't make it stop. I have absolutely no control over it. I have no say anymore. I am trapped. I want this to be over. I want the baby to be here. I don't want to be pregnant anymore. I want a drink to calm me down. I want my body back. I want to be me again.


Putting on this show?
I don't feel we're ready to go ahead with the show. Everything is taking too long. Surely we should have run it a few times by now. Maybe I shouldn't have brought so many people on board. It's all blowing out of control. Out of proportion. Much bigger than it needs to be. There's more to do than I had originally intended for. This wasn't what I had planned. I don't know my words. I can't act. It's going to look lame. It's going to be awful. I'll let everyone down. I've built it up too much. What if I freak out too much and can't do it after all. Why did I even do this to begin with? I have too much on. I have too much to think about. I want it all to stop.

I don't feel any better yet.
I'm scared this is going to keep getting worse. Maybe it won't even stop when baby gets here.
I want to get off this ride now.


Wednesday 15 May 2013

Inside a Panic Attack

This blog is aimed at people who do not suffer from Panic Attacks. Perhaps you have a friend or a family member who has just started having them, or perhaps you know someone who has had them for years. Either way, it can be extremely frustrating to watch from the outside. Every now and then, those closest to us, need to be reminded that we are not doing this to hurt them, and that we do, in fact, really appreciate their help and understanding. Sometimes a little understanding, goes a long way.

Let's get started.

Panic Attacks, are not fun.

They are not made up.
They are not something that happens, 'just cos we don't want to do something.'
They are also not in our heads, or done for attention, or because we are crazy, or because we wished them upon ourselves.

We certainly wouldn't wish them on anyone else.

Panic Attacks, once it gets to that point, are next to impossible to control. Once they start, unless you have some serious therapy which has helped, or some very effective medication (usually prescription and highly addictive), you are pretty much there for the ride.

In my experience, everyone has slightly different experiences of Panic Attacks, however, there seems to be one overriding feeling that everyone goes through, and that is Terror.

What It Feels Like

Most people seem to get the same common symptoms:

  • Racing Heart
  • Hyperventilation
  • Shaking
Then there is a mixture of other things that can occur - these are the ones I get:
  • Nausea
  • Diarreah
  • Tingly/frozen hands (frozen, in the sense that I can't move them, not that they are cold)
  • Blurred vision
  • 'Fuzzy' hearing
  • Derealization (feeling of nothing being real)
  • Sweating
  • Heat Flashes
From other people, I've heard that these can also happen:
  • Heart palpitations
  • chest pain
  • fainting
Now, bearing in mind that all these sensations are occurring at the same time, it is little wonder that often a Panic Attack is mistaken for something much more serious. People have been rushed to hospital with these symptoms, doctors and machines can read these symptoms, but nothing is found to be wrong.

If you have ever had a panic attack, then you will understand what I am talking about, and will not need convincing.
If you have never had one, then try to imagine yourself having a heart attack, or suddenly finding yourself unable to breath, or see, or hear properly. You may or may not be able to identify what's happening, or why it's happening, and that is really scary.

Panic Attacks and Me

I had my first panic attack when I was 11 years old. I had them almost weekly, if not daily from then until now, but I didn't know what they were for a number of years. Now I know what they are, I have been working on overcoming them through therapy, medication and a lot of hard work for a decade. I can usually work through them, but not always, and I normally know why it is happening or what triggered it, but there have been three times in the past 5 months when I have panicked and not realised that was what was happening (and that's after having them for nearly 20 years now).

Sometimes I have them, and nobody around me even knows anything is wrong, because I have adapted to hide them. Often I will simply leave the room if I notice it is about to happen. Often my own husband won't even know that I am having a panic attack, although he will know that something is wrong, sometimes he thinks I am just sick, or angry, because I get so quiet. 

What To Do

Don't tell them to breathe and get over it.
Don't get frustrated with them

Do give them space a bit of time. Panic Attacks are not physically able to last for long, they may reoccur right away, but there is down time in between.
Do get them some water, a wet cloth or a paper bag. 
Do stay with them.

Making them talk to you is often not helpful....at least it's never been for me.

All I am asking, is that you be aware of what it is. What it feels like. How scary and out of control they can feel. Know that you may not be able to see it. But believe me, that person is feeling it.

Saturday 11 May 2013

Cabaret freakout #2

So, this little project is trucking right along. Only problem is, that somehow I have put myself in charge once again, and I seem to be doing everything.

This isn't a bad thing, don't get me wrong. I like being in charge - guess it's an oldest child thing. I get all inspired and do everything at once, often I can't sleep until it's done. But I like being in charge when I know for sure that I am supposed to be in charge.

For instance, when I'm in the classroom, I know my role, I know what I am meant to do, and that everyone in the room expects me to do it. That's sweet, I can handle that.

This isn't the same though, I had this idea that I wanted to perform for people and give myself a shot at overcoming my stage fright. I asked others if they wanted to be involved, and set it up as a collaborative project. I really thought that they would have ideas and opinions about it, but that doesn't seem to be the case.

Somehow, I am the one writing the script, finding the venue, setting up the events page, getting the song rights, pestering everyone to find songs, organising rehearsals.....and then running them. I think I would be fine with this, if I had set myself up as the director from the start, but I didn't. Clearly I didn't think this through. I have a horrible feeling like I'm pissing everyone off, that they think what I've written is stupid, but they don't want to hurt my feelings by telling me. That they find me bossy, that they are angry I have more songs than they do....although to be honest, that's only because I had songs picked out from the get go, and they are still deciding three weeks later what they want to sing.

We go onstage in 5 weeks. I don't want to look like an idiot, or a tyrant, and I am getting very very nervous and apprehensive, that this grand idea of mine was stupid and overly ambitious.  I guess all I can do is practise my songs, make sure I am doing them the best that I can. I am sure everything will fall into place. We have a lot of people keen to come along, which is awesome, but I feel sick just even thinking about it!

This will be interesting to re-read when it's over....

Sunday 5 May 2013

A history of physical illness....yeah right

Today, I feel the need to rehash something I have blogged about before. You can read that post here if you so wish.

My problem is, the way people, and media, just throw around the term 'mental illness.

For instance,
"...a young women, who has a history of mental illness..."
"...the killer has a history of severe mental illness..."
"...today a man with a history of mental illness attacked...
"...the alleged killer has a history of mental illness..."
"...the accused has a history of mental illness..."

If you think that's ok, then just replace mental with the word 'physical' and you'll see how ridiculous it is.

The term 'mental illness' cannot continue to be used as a cover all for every single type of mental illness out there. And it certainly cannot be used to 'explain' away people's behaviour, so that everyone just nods their head and thinks 'oh, they have a mental illness, well that explains it then.'

Just like physical health includes everything from headaches, to cancer, to the flu and hepatitis or polio, malaria or a simple cold, the term mental health covers everything from mild depression and substance abuse, to aspergers syndrome, ADHD, dementia and schizophrenia, with just as many variables in between.


This brilliant image popped up on my facebook timeline today.

What I want to know, is when the media will start actually taking notice of this, and start differentiating between them. For instance, "..a man with a history of mental illness, has been accused of assaulting a care giver...' would seem a lot less insidious, if the public were aware that this man had a history of Dissociative Identity Disorder, and had stopped taking the medications which were helping him, because a close family member had criticised him for being on 'crazy pills'.

By the same reasoning, the headline '... a mother with a history of mental illness is in custody after being charged with neglecting her child...' would make the general public more aware of the seriousness of the situation, if they were allowed to know that she was in fact, suffering from suffer Post Partum Depression, yet had been too ashamed to ask for help for fear of being labeled 'crazy' by those around her. 

But I guess that neither of those truths makes for a very exciting news story.

I'm not saying that there aren't some very mentally disturbed people out there who are legitimately dangerous, there most definitely are. But by simplifying it as simply 'mental illness', the majority of us who suffer a mental illness which is doing no one any harm but us, continue to feel as though we must live in hiding, not reveal our full selves, not ask for help, not take the medication that could save us. 

By continuing to lump every mental illness into one title, the media is simply exacerbating the stigma that all people who suffer ANY type of mental illness still have to deal with on a day to day basis. 

I take daily medication to keep my depression away and my anxiety at a manageable level. I am a pretty normal person. I love to sing, I am a school teacher, I hate early mornings, I have a family and  kid on the way. But I know that if I were to end up on the news for any reason, I too, would be labeled as having a history of mental illness.

But there is so much more to me than that.




Wednesday 1 May 2013

Cabaret FREAK OUT

This bold plan to create a way to face my fear of being on stage, rather than just waiting to one day get cast in something, is coming along rather quickly now!

We have a pianist, a director, and now I have created a basic script/story line to accompany all of our songs. The girls are keen, husbands excited and with it being holidays, I am able to spend a LOT of time thinking about and working on it.

So why do I keep worrying? I know my parents and friends will come to see it, and I know the others involved are excited and super keen, and I know that everyone thinks it's a great idea. Don't get me wrong, I think it is too, but I am fighting a lot weird concerns.

  • Am I taking over too much?
  • Are they going to hate me, but not tell me?
  • Are they upset that they haven't had much input yet?
  • Can I really expect everyone to do this for no money?
  • What if I get to stressed and have to pull out?
  • What if I panic and cant go on stage.
  • What if i don't pull out, but I/the show sucks?
  • What if other theatre people in this town think I'm full of it?
  • Should I really be doing this?
I have to keep reminding myself why I wanted to do this in the first place.
  1. My dream is to be a singer and performer.
  2. I can never practise this, because I don't have opportunities given to me by others.
  3. I am creating my own opportunity in order to grow and overcome this stage fright/anxiety.
  4. Once I have done it, I will be able to continue to grow as a performer, and be strong for my kid.
  5. Sometimes you have to forge your own pathway to achieve your dreams
So the lesson for today is: