Writing

Today, I got told that I haven't written anything for ages.
Well yeah, I guess that's true. But to be honest, I feel silly writing about nothing. Nothing has happened since the show, except that I've gotten more pregnant.

I have been writing furiously on my pregnancy blog though, so feel free to check that out if you feel so inclined. But that's not the point of this blog. I started this one as an outlet for myself to connect with others and to help people understand a little more about anxiety, depression and mental health from an 'insiders' perspective.

I feel that I've had nothing happen to write about, and so I haven't written.

But I guess I'd be lying.

Soon after the show ended, I got very anxious and depressed again. I didn't go out, I didn't meet up with friends, I was super tired, incredibly unmotivated and basically went into hiding. But I didn't want to write about that. I mean, who wants to READ about that?  I don't want to be 'that girl' who moans online and goes sympathy fishing!

I found myself facing that realisation a lot of people like me come to. It's one thing to write about all the good stuff you're doing, and to inspire others to take steps to overcome their demons, and to do that yourself and be proud about it. But really, we are not telling the whole story. We reminisce about the bad periods while we are in a good zone, and talk about how well we are doing now. I was happy to talk about how bad things 'had' been, and about all the things I was proudly doing to make an effort to live the life I really wanted to be living. But the moment things got hard, I stopped talking about it. I felt ashamed, I felt 'stupid' and felt like I'd failed again.

I guess it's a double edged sword.
On the one hand, I want people to know, to understand and to stop stigmatising.
On the other, when things actually get tough and I actually have to 'deal' with the issues I'm blogging about, I actually don't want to share it anymore.

Hmmm, I'm going to have to think about this one.

I'm Still Here!

....just in case you were beginning to wonder.

Yes, it's been nearly a month since we did the show, and a month since I last wrote a blog here. I have been regularly writing in the pregnancy blog mind you, so it hasn't been all stop-stations in the writing department. By the way - feel free to check out the other blog, if you feel so inclined.

I figured, since it's been a rough month mentally, and it's now July, which is over half way through the year, and baby is due in just 10 weeks now (YIKES!), that it was time to evaluate and reflect on all that's been this year.

My new years resolution was ;

"to stop making excuses, and work towards achieving my dreams of being a performer."

And you know what? I think I've been successful. I may not have completed the original goal, which was to "work towards recording an album", but I feel that what I achieved with the Brass Band Concert, and then the Cabaret, actually far exceeded what I imagined I could do performance wise, and therefore, I am happy. (And to be honest, I wrote 5 pretty decent songs over christmas, so that actually counts that first goal as achieved also!)

Getting pregnant much faster than expected did throw a spanner in the works for a start, but after I got my head around that little bump (baha!), I actually really surprised myself with what I achieved in this past six months.

Sometimes it's good to put things into perspective, to stop beating yourself up about the little things that you haven't managed to do (the dishes, cleaning, all that marking for school), and take time to feel a little bit proud of what you have done. Here is my list so far this year;

1. Performed solo at a brass band concert
2. Flew all the way to Auckland by myself without taking any medication
3. Saw Josh Groban perform live (life dream!)
4. organised and performed in a scripted cabaret concert 
5. sung solo with a head mic (squee!)
6. acted with my husband (scary!)
7. made it through the 1st trimester, and some heavy endless nausea
8. made it through the 2nd trimester...just
9. wrote and recorded (albeit on garageband in my house) 5 original songs
10. put them ONLINE!!
11. kept up these two blogs, forcing myself to put my own demons out there into the world.

What are the biggest thing I've learnt this year?

1. That when you are open and honest about what you are going through, almost everyone around you reciprocates, and you realise you are not as alone as you thought you were.
2. That I really enjoy performing live, and can manage a panic attack on stage.
3. That writing makes me put things in perspective, and that I actually might be quite an ok writer after all.
4. That I possibly, might actually be able to do anything...except maybe fly.

So, people, GO MAKE A LIST OF THE COOL THINGS YOU HAVE DONE SO FAR THIS YEAR, and then have a smile, and a wine and congratulate yourself just a little.

Time to go think of the next step to work towards in the 'becoming me' saga, what can I do to challenge my anxiety further? Oh yeah! Have a baby.

Maybe I'll go do that.

Until next time, here is a completely irrelevant, but very happy kitten.

Show Time

Saturday was the big day.

We had a full house!

We got a standing ovation!

That is crazy, as far as I'm concerned.

The Show

I woke up and instantly entered my anxious place - becoming quiet and feeling a little surreal for most of the day.  I busied myself as we waited for my parents to arrive and as our 3pm call time approached, making cards and organising the programmes and front of house paperwork. By 2pm I was quite nervous, and feeling queasy in my stomach. I knew we would have a full house, as we were already putting people onto our waiting list.

That was something I was having trouble comprehending - how many people suddenly wanted to come and see it!

3 O-Clock arrived, and we met everyone else at the theatre. They were all also nervous and freaking out and excited, which made me start to feel better. We attempted a run through
Which went terribly.
I couldn't remember a single word, lyric or line. I kept forgetting to speak. I kept forgetting what was happening.
Then I started to feel faint.

Immediately my brain switched into catastrophe mode. I hadn't eaten enough. I was too nervous to eat. I was going to ruin the show by fainting on stage. What if I ate too much and then was sick. I knew without a doubt that I was going to ruin everything!

Before I knew what was happening, it was 10 past 7, people were queuing at the door. There was no turning back now!

7:35pm

Take places side stage.

Lights to Black.

Enter Stage Left.

We were on!

Everything went smoothly. I didn't mess up the first song. The others sang amazingly. The crowd was giving a great energy, which we were reciprocating. Everyone was buzzing.

Then, four songs in, my worst fear hit out of nowhere. I was too hot, I couldn't breathe right, I couldn't leave the stage. I was feeling nauseas, faint, dizzy. I  began mentally going over options for getting off the stage. Then the 'what if's' kicked in.

"What if I faint?"

"What if I leave the stage and then pass out, and the show stops 'cos no one knows where I am?"

"What if I can't make it to the next song?"

Luckily, the next song came very quickly and I was able to recover within a few lines of singing. PHEW!

After that I was fine. I even started to have fun! The show went so well. So much better than I thought it could. I remembered all my words (well for the most part, and I successfully fudged the ones I did forget) and hit all my notes, and didn't drop any lines. WOOT!  We got some amazing feedback, and my parents were so so proud!

 "hope you are as proud of yourself as I am, of you! Wonderful show. Lovely people. Well done to all involved. This is what theatre in Christchurch should be aiming for. Nice to see a piece that was not afraid to show some raw emotion. Xxx"

"You all rocked. Totally blown away by the amazing voices. I can only hope to be at that level myself someday. Well done. (Oh, and the guy on keyboards was pretty good too!) "

"Great night out last night congrats to cast of Broadway here I come. Deserves a bigger audience. Well done Jessica and co, thoroughly enjoyed it. " 

To be honest, I don't think I have actually processed properly what it is that I achieved personally, or that we achieved as a new theatre group. Everyone is already talking about 'the next one'. All I am thinking is 'let me have this baby first!'

Personal Wins From the Show!

1) Performed solo for an audience

2) Sang with a microphone for a crowd

3) Acted out scenes that weren't sung

4) Managed a near miss panic on stage

5) Finally showed my parents what I can do!

6) said 'thanks' to all the compliments (usually I make an excuse)

7) Made my Dad proud!

8) Made me proud!

9) Achieved my new years resolution of doing more performing

9 wins is a pretty good number, don't you think?

Dress Rehearsal

Literally until the lights went down and I was waiting back stage, I felt pretty ok about this dress rehearsal. I had managed to put a lid on the seemingly enormous number of people coming to it, and was confident that everyone in the audience was friendly and kind. 

These pleasant feelings of calm and control vanished very quickly in the minutes before we went on.

I wanted to be sick. 

I was feeling too hot.

I was convinced I would forget every word, that I'd look stupid, that this whole thing was stupid, that we would look like fools.

"I can't do it. We have to stop it now!" I whispered frantically to my husband who was waiting not far down from me.

"You'll be fine. You can do it." He replied.

I 100% did not believe him.

Lights went down, we all walked on. I didn't mess up my first few lines, and I even managed to get through the first song without mucking up. Success!

Unfortunately my nerves were only mildly placated by this achievement. As the act went on, and the audience failed to laugh where they should, my anxiety started to spike again.

It was true.

This is a piece of crap theatre!

We sound awful.

They hate it.

This is lame.

We should STOP NOW!

Act 1 over. 

It took only 40 minutes for act 1, so it's a relatively short show. Our director didn't give us any feedback at the 'interval' and we were all freaking out a little. 

My nerves had settled down a bit. I had made it through the act 1 songs and only stuffed up one word! As far as I was concerned, that was a WIN!

Act 2 was slightly shorter, and had a few more tech stuff ups, and one insanely long dead patch where someone forgot their line - which they finally recovered, and we moved on. 

Successes so far?

I didn't forget my words.

I didn't throw up on stage.

I didn't have a panic attack on stage.

We got really good feedback from the audience after wards.

The director said my acting was really good (phew!).

I felt ok in the end.

Now to face Saturday....and to remind myself "I'm doing this for my Mum!"

Act 2 'bar fight' - me on right looking pissed!

3 Sleeps Till Show Time!

My plan is working.

I am stressed. And excited. And freaking out.

I have to keep calming myself down by reminding myself "I'm doing this for my mum."
That really does make me feel better. I think perhaps it's because if I focus on the fact that I only really care what my mum thinks about how it goes, then I feel a lot less scared about the fact that this is kinda all on my shoulders if it goes horribly badly.

Which it wont.

I hope.

Pre-Tech Rehearsal Photos

The 3 leading ladies (I'm far left)

Pissed off after another failed audition!

The fantastic Roz as Lucy

Karen mid song 

Saul having a thinking song moment

Pre- rehearsal briefing

The Unfairness Of It All

I guess I've always been something of a feminist.
It probably began with my very Catholic upbringing. Having to listen to weekly sermons about the sinful nature of abortions, of young mothers, of adultery and all that other 'abominable' stuff.

I refused to get confirmed when I was 11 - siting that 'I wasn't sure that I really wanted to be'.
Then horror of all horrors, I refused to keep attending church when I was 13 years old.

That did not make my father happy. (Secretly, I think my previously anglican mum was a bit proud)

I was a very stubborn girl though, and wasn't about to give in. Not when I felt it was quintessentially wrong that it took both a man and a woman to create a baby, but that the woman would be the one who was demonised by society if she weren't married, was too young, or too poor. Then I saw a couple of girls forced to leave school because of the scandal it would create.
What happened to the boys?
Nothing. They later both graduated with a full education.
.
So I stuck to my guns. After weeks of Sunday arguments which went nowhere, I finally agreed to a compromise. I didn't have to go to church. But I did have to do the dishes instead.
I think my dad might have been a bit shocked when I said yes to this arrangement.

Question:  What did I learn from this experience?
Answer:  Society views women as weak.

It's a fact. We are not physically as strong as men. We cry more often. We ask for help more often. We take 'mental health' days more often. We need more sick days because of events created by 'mother nature'.

Basically, women take better care of themselves then men do. But for doing this, we pay quite a price.

To Be Continued...

Midnight Panic

I don't know which blog to write this on, so I'm going to put it in both.

I am awake now. Completely awake.
At least, that's what I'm telling myself. Baby is kicking up a storm, and has been for the past few hours now. I was finally drifting off to sleep, when I started to feel a bit uncomfortable.
My heart was beating just a little too hard.
My gut was feeling just a little too twisty.
My shoulders were getting just a little too tense.
I couldn't breathe right.
I was too hot.

I was about to Panic.

Normally, I try and make these blogs somewhat humorous, but right now, I just can't think how.
I tried to calm myself down without getting out of bed. But it wasn't working, everything was geting worse. I was starting to feel on the verge of being very ill, that the next step was going to be huddled in the bathroom.

I don't know what it is. Or why it's happening again. Luckily I didn't fall asleep. Luckily I realised what was happening before it fully happened.

But now what. I'm up. I'm tired. I'm scared to go back to bed, because it's all lingering in the back of my mind.

My heart is still beating too hard.
My stomach still doesn't feel right.
Maybe I have food poisoning?

I don't even know what I'm most worried about, what has brought this on?

I can't go through with this pregnancy?
I am so embarrassed about how I look. I can't remember anything. Everyone is looking at me all the time. Everyone thinks I'm too big. Everyone is judging everything I eat. I can't relax. I can't believe there is a living thing inside me. I can't make it stop. I have absolutely no control over it. I have no say anymore. I am trapped. I want this to be over. I want the baby to be here. I don't want to be pregnant anymore. I want a drink to calm me down. I want my body back. I want to be me again.


Putting on this show?
I don't feel we're ready to go ahead with the show. Everything is taking too long. Surely we should have run it a few times by now. Maybe I shouldn't have brought so many people on board. It's all blowing out of control. Out of proportion. Much bigger than it needs to be. There's more to do than I had originally intended for. This wasn't what I had planned. I don't know my words. I can't act. It's going to look lame. It's going to be awful. I'll let everyone down. I've built it up too much. What if I freak out too much and can't do it after all. Why did I even do this to begin with? I have too much on. I have too much to think about. I want it all to stop.

I don't feel any better yet.
I'm scared this is going to keep getting worse. Maybe it won't even stop when baby gets here.
I want to get off this ride now.